Felicity
by meguro
Summary: "I figured that if I can't be happy myself, I'll live my life making others happy. I'll give them life. I will counteract death."  Define happiness.  Eventual Mpreg
1. timeo puellas et oscula dantes

Raikou doesn't know.  
>Oh god, if Raikou finds out he doesn't know what he would do.<br>He has to fix this. He has to fix fix fix fix fix this; this was never supposed to happen.  
>Gau has failed him.<br>After all Raikou has done for him.  
><em>My god I am a monster.<br>__  
><em>This was supposed to be simple.  
>He is not supposed to be stuck in a decrepit, dusty basement with dusty old scrolls.<br>He is not supposed to be coughing at the cloying smell, burning in the back of his throat.  
>He is not supposed to be drugged and confused.<br>And surely, he is not supposed to be held captive by some pigtailed glasses-girl.

She's watching him and he's watching her and she's got this god-awful grin on her face.  
>Gau really wishes he had a shirt on.<br>He really wishes his hands weren't tied behind him.  
>Gau really wishes she would stop staring at his scar.<br>It's fascinating to her, he thinks. She's been changing her look from his eyes to his torso and back to his eyes and back at his torso.  
>She's intimidating him and its working.<br>Gau tries to keep calm but he's pretty sure she can see his heart palpitating faster than a hummingbird's.  
>He just feels so awkward and sweaty and what the hell.<p>

The floor is covered in tattered rice paper. Scrolls are unraveled and strewn everywhere. Kanji all around. A kanji carpet.  
>He wants to clean it up. He wants everything back in order.<br>He doesn't know why he feels so alert but so impeded at the same time. Confusion.  
>He shifts in his chair. It's wooden and it creaks. His hands are uncomfortably positioned behind.<br>He curls and uncurls his fingers; his wrists are sore.  
><em>God why is this is girl with a bondage and scar fetish trapping me in her school's dim kanji basement.<em>

He doesn't know why he's not fighting back. He doesn't feel like He has a reason too.  
>The next thing that comes to mind is Yukimi, calling him Tenpa-kun. Fucking chicken head.<br>Gau sighs.

The girl perks up and her smile seems a bit friendlier.  
>"He's not going to find out," she says.<br>Gau's eyes widen. How does she know?  
>It's as if she's reading his mind.<br>"And you're going to be back on time. "  
>Gau stares.<p>

The girl stands up, pigtails swaying. She walks up to Gau and pats him on the head, like some twisted form of reassurance.  
>"You're acting as though I haven't planned this out Gau-chan."<br>_Who the hell is this and what exactly does she know about me._  
>Gau opens his mouth to say something; she stops him.<br>"Just listen for now, Gau."

The boy looks at her questioningly, but then nods and looks down at the notes and scrolls on the ground.  
>"I find things out, you know? That's why I'm here. Cause I know things. Cause I pay attention. Not knowing is not a choice, for me. "<br>Silence in the room.  
>"You weren't there when it happened, when he . . . died." She takes a moment to collect herself.<br>"But your lover was. You know what I sensed from him? Grief. Intense grief. And guilt."  
>Gau's face contorts into between horror and sadness.<br>Raikou-san shouldn't be allowed to worry about him –he's too pathetic and insignificant and bothersome and–  
>"And naturally, I just wanted to know who or what he was grieving for. .. My god he must have been so relieved when you got better."<br>She's blinking back tears at this point.  
>"People are so <em>lucky<em>, you know? Some force just feels sorry for you all and that's it. You get the person you cherish the most back . . . I didn't get that. That force just can't pity me. Or bring back the dead,"  
>She extends her hand; her fingers shake as they run down Gau's cheek.<br>"But you're so special, Gau-chan. You deserve love."  
>Gau shuts his eyes and shakes his head.<br>_No, no, no, no, no._

She picks up, "I figured that if I can't be happy myself, I'll live my life making others happy. I'll give them life. I will counteract death"  
>The girl smiles, cheerless and tired.<br>"I want you and Raikou-san to be happy."  
>Gau doesn't understand her or her motives, but he feels a bit less alert, like this girl is too doleful to be an enemy. Nevertheless, he does not let his guard fall down further.<p>

The girl walks over the kanji, away from Gau, to a bookshelf. She treads carefully and returns with a bottle of red ink and a calligraphic brush.  
>"Don't you have questions?" she asks, as she gets down on her knees. She is at eye level to his torso.<br>"Oh, plenty," Gau says.  
>"Perhaps I'll answer one," she says as she pulls the cork off of the paint bottle.<br>He hesitates.  
>"Is body painting the ultimate source of happiness?"<br>The girl laughs with great mirth, but quickly collects herself.  
>"I don't know, Gau. Let's find out," she says solemnly, dipping the brush into the paint.<br>"Don't squirm," she warns, and as a precaution grips his shoulder with her left hand.

For what seems to be ages, she is cold and calculating, trying to find an angle of attack with the brush on his right shoulder. She seems to find it and keeps the brush hovering over the spot.  
>"Sit straight," she orders.<br>Gau purses his lips together and straightens up.  
>The stroke she makes across his chest is sharp, swift, and cold.<br>Gau sort of jolts in surprise or shock –she can't really tell which. She stands up and steps back to admire her work.  
>Gau looks down as well. For another eternity, both just seem to be staring at his chest.<p>

It is a perfect mirror image of the scar Raikou had given him, stretching from his right shoulder to his left hip. A giant X marks the spot on his torso.  
>She breaks the silence, "You tell me, Gau-kun. Is body painting the ultimate source of happiness?"<br>"No," he responds, "I don't think it is . . . but isn't happiness subjective? How do you know that your idea of happiness will be Raikou-san's –or mine?"  
>She smiles but doesn't answer.<br>Gau frowns.

"I appreciate you not being stubborn or difficult about this," she says.  
>"It's not me; it's whatever you drugged me with," he deadpans.<br>She shrugs, "Well, we're almost done here either way, so it'll wear off soon. But since you're putting up with my antics, I'll let you leave with whatever you came looking to steal."  
>He sort of gasps, partly since she knows and partly since putting up with her is a really modest price for what he wants to take.<br>She's got this coy grin, as if she's got him all figured out.  
>The girl navigates around bookshelves but goes out of his sight.<br>Gau turns attention to reading the characters on the scrolls below him.  
>Some of the ink is smeared.<br>He makes out simple ones in his vision.  
>Water.<br>Rain.  
>Love.<br>Robins.  
>Flowers.<br>What has to do with what has to do with what.

The girl comes back with two dusty tomes. She's standing at an angle where the light hits her glasses and bounces right off them. She smiles, and for some reason, Gau gets a bit afraid.  
>"Are you really just going to give them to me?" he blurts in disbelief. He regrets saying it automatically.<br>Classic Foot in mouth syndrome. _Shit what if I dissuade her._  
>"<em>Yes<em> I'll give it to you. Do I go back on my word?"  
>Gau blinks. She laughs.<br>"Okay, you wouldn't know. I'll give them of course, but I just want to try something first . . . well, more like continue, since I didn't mark you off in red like that just for fun."  
>Gau begins to get queasy and is starting to doubt his judgment, but says, "Alright."<br>"I can see why Raikou likes you."  
>The boy just snorts.<p>

The girl places the two tomes on the ground, where there are less scattered scrolls. She steps up to Gau and asks him if he is ready.  
>Gau shrugs but sits up straighter.<br>She takes this as a note to begin. The girl arranges her fingers and hands in a way as to perform a jutsu. He had seen so many variations since his exposure to the world of Nabari.  
>The placement of hands. The facial expressions. The breathing rate. No two performances were ever alike.<br>She looks completely detached from the world, eyes closed and barely breathing.  
>He hadn't realized that she started whispering some orisons under her breath.<p>

When she finally opens her eyes, they lock with Gau's. She steps closer to him, her movements robot and calculated.  
>On her knees once more, she undoes her finger positioning and places two flat palms on Gau's torso, one right at his heart, and the other at the lower part of his abdomen.<br>The boy is taken aback as the red ink starts to fade right into his skin.  
>He feels altogether the most peculiar sensation: he feels as though he has completely disconnected with his body. He feels freezing as the red just bleeds into him.<br>When there is nothing left of her markings but a pale pink line, she removes her hands from Gau and traces the scar and the mark with both hands, drawing the X.

There is a protracted silence between them; one in which Gau returns to his senses and is left feeling dizzy.  
>The girl stands up and retrieves Gau's shirt and vest. She unties his wrists and hands him the clothing.<br>Automatically, he rubs his sore wrists.  
>After a while, he breaks the silence quite bluntly, "W-what exactly um, was that?"<br>It takes a moment before she decides to answer, "Let's . . . call it an experiment. A scientific one? Alright. A scientific experiment. Chances are, nothing happened. Nothing will happen. You're fine, you were fine, and you'll be fine."  
>Gau doesn't know whether to believe her or not. He can't if she's disappointed or just trying to calm him down, so he just pulls on his shirt and his vest.<br>The tomes are handed to him, as promised.

She leads him up the stairs and walks him to the door.  
>Gau looks at her, not really knowing what to say.<br>"W-well, um. Thanks," is all he can really muster.  
>"Remember Gau-chan, your happiness is my happiness." She pats him on the back and says a final goodbye.<br>And with that, Gau leaves the doors of what used to be Alya Academy. He regrets not asking for her name.


	2. amor caecus est

_Most people know what dread is. Dread is tangible in our minds._  
><em>Humans need balance. We are afraid of being knocked off course.<em>  
><em>That split second between slipping on ice and catching your gait.<em>  
><em>That moment when you lean too far back in your chair and you fear your skull will crack open.<em>  
><em>That flash of panic when you've misplaced something <em>dire_ to you, and you pat yourself down psychotically until you find it. Your phone. Your keys. Your wallet. Your life._

_It is gut-wrenching even in the most minor occurrences._  
><em>Then the dam breaks and relief floods in. <em>  
><em>Congratulations human, you've survived this scary episode of your life.<em>  
><em>Luckily, it only manifests us for that one second of <em>holy shit I'm gonna die.

_We are so afraid for the most foolish reasons._  
><em>What ever happened to battling it out with mountain lions and bears?<em>  
>That <em>is dread. <em>  
><em>That requires the flow of adrenaline.<em>  
><em>Not missing a step on the stairs.<em>_Not being called up to the front of the room._

But what if you wake up blind?

* * *

><p>Gau has never felt any dread like this.<br>It's worse than catching Yukimi flip through his diary.  
>It's worse than a disapproving glare from Raikou-san, yielding shirogamon.<br>And it's definitely worse than forgetting to turn the stove off and remembering at an inconvenient time, far away from home.

He opens his eyes. Darkness. Not like night, or anything coming from the outside. It's an internal obscurity.  
><em>Let's try this again, Gau. <em>  
>He closes his eyes again and opens them, but no improvement.<br>_This must be a dream. I have to be dreaming._  
><em>Well, nightmaring. I just have to pull myself together and wake up.<em>  
>But Gau knows he's lying to himself. He can't deny the fact that his most essential sense is gone. He wonders why it couldn't have been speech or scent or something.<br>_Because speech and scent are not precious to me._  
>He tries to reassure himself that it's just a phase.<br>Just awkward teenage hormones messing up his sight and giving him a panic attack.  
>Gau pledges not to let Raikou-san find out.<br>_It's okay because things like these resolve themselves and it's not like I deserve to see him anyways._

He gets out of his futon and navigates his way to the bathroom –with the grace of an eighty-year old man— by gripping the wall. He prays that Raikou didn't leave anything lying around for him to accidentally walk into, break, or damage. He braces himself for the worst: daggers and bracelets, cat's cradle strings for him to trip on, cacti to impale him. Gau doesn't bother guessing.  
>Thankfully, the expedition leaves him unscathed.<br>He closes the bathroom door behind him.

It's at blind times like these, Gau is relieved to have a western style bathroom . . . for reasons he deems unacceptable.  
>He needs to urinate but he fears missing the toilet; his aim is impeccable and he's got the precision of a sharpshooter, but not knowing whether or not the toilet's lid is open or not really impedes him. (Who is he kidding –no one ever puts the lid down)<br>To his great shame, he moves to a larger playing field and pees in the bathtub.  
>As he turns on the shower to wash down the steam (after much fumbling for the right knob), he swears on his life that he would later disinfect the tub.<p>

Gau turns the shower off and moves to wash his hands.  
>He is a bit relieved at his adjustment and how his other senses and memory come in to play.<br>Gau reaches for his toothbrush and carefully gropes about for the toothpaste –confirmed by the smell of mint. As he is brushing his teeth –counting down the sixty seconds _incisors, canines, pre-molars, molars—_he hears the door open.  
>He freezes up a bit, but goes back to trying to act natural.<p>

"Gau, what are you doing?" It's Raikou.  
>He doesn't answer, but continues his meticulous scrubbing.<br>"That's my toothbrush."  
>Gau's stomach sort of lurches and plummets. He stops though he can't see it, he feels a blush coming on.<br>"Gau go the fuck back to bed."  
>Gau awkwardly spits out a mouthful of minty foam and quickly rinses off the toothbrush.<br>He doesn't know whether to say something or feign lethargy, so he just pretends to look down –not that he can _see_—and attempts leaving the bathroom praying he doesn't collide with—

He walks straight into Raikou's chest and automatically steps back.  
>He urgently blurts some stream of almost incomprehensible apologies as he walks out of the bathroom and down the hall, praying he doesn't give himself away "Oh god Raikou-san, I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to. God I'm so stupid I'll buy you a new toothbrush what is wrong with me today. . ."<br>He prays that Raikou isn't watching or following him; his prayers are answered when he hears the bathroom door shut.

Situation narrowly avoided, Gau walks into a room, heart beating a mile a minute and gets down to _crawl _onto his futon, thinking it would be much easier to locate it if more of him was touching the ground.  
>He reaches familiar territory and gets under the quilt.<br>Gau just breathes a sigh of relief when he senses something is off.  
><em>There is something lying down next to me.<em>

"G-gau? What the hell are you doing in my bed?" Yukimi asks, groggy and awfully disturbed.  
>Gau sort of skyrockets out of the bed, "<em>Oh my god, Yukimi-san. <em>This is not my room. Holy shit." He makes a run for what he hopes is the door but runs headfirst into a wall –so close.  
>Gau gasps and holds onto his nose, which had suffered the most impact, and staggers out of the room. He feels blood (and probably snot) leaking out and tries his best not to smear it all over his face as he quickly navigates and stumbles to the next room, which <em>actually <em>his.

He curls down on the futon, still clutching his nose. It's times like these where he sort of wants to burst out in tears. But he holds onto the last shreds of whatever sanity he had left.  
>Gau is reminded of his comatose state, where the outside world had no relevance to him.<br>He has no idea if this sort of thing happened to other people in comas, but Gau remembers exactly what was going on inside his own little world.

For however long it was –it felt like a day, a really pleasant day, he was drinking tea with his mother and watching the cranes doing courting dances and watching the sakura petals fall from the trees. He told Mama all about his new life and Raikou-san and how wrong he was about justice. Even Raikou had come along to their meal and Gau introduced him, but Raikou never spoke, never looked up, and never really acknowledged them. –It always scared Gau.  
>The only time Raikou reacted was right before he had been awakened by Yoite.<br>He smiled and welcomed him back.  
>Gau wishes he had been able to say goodbye to his mother.<p>

In the darkness of his own mind, he calls out for her again, but she's too tired to answer.  
>He sighs and wishes he had something to wipe his hands on, but since today he's at his all time low, he just smears the blood on his stomach.<br>_Oh gross. _  
>Gau can hear the bathroom door open and Yukimi talking to Raikou-san. He isn't really listening but it's obvious that it's about him, since there's laughter coming from Raikou.<br>The tones sort of change to something more serious, _they're probably talking about the tomes_.  
>Gau had fallen asleep before Raikou or Yukimi had come home; Alya and the girl had taken too great a toll on his mind and body.<br>And suddenly, Gau finds someone to blame for his condition.


End file.
